Sunday, August 28, 2011

Zombie Attack

My dad and I watched "Living Dead." Well, maybe that's not what it was called, maybe it was some other combination of words implying that something dead is no longer that way. If you know me at all, then you know I'm afraid of everything: bugs, bubble baths, my basement, under my bed, etc. But, no matter how scary they make Zombies seem I am convinced there is no need to be afraid of them.

1. They are dumber than rocks. 
2. They are slower than rocks as well
3. It's unrealistic to think that we couldn't stop the zombie epidemic before it happened to 100 people
4. Unlike vampires, they are easy to kill

Yes, they want to eat you, but so do bears, and we manage to keep them away most of the time. (Okay, I know bears don't really want to eat you... but I couldn't think of a better animal). If the movies about zombies hold any truth, then I will be one of the only people left alive. So, to save any of you who thinking hiding in a dead end hallway will be a good idea, let me give you a how-to list of surviving a zombie epidemic

Step 1: The first time you realize someone has turned into a zombie, do not let them scratch or bite you. It'd be a good idea if you just killed them. No need to feel guilty about this, because the person already died anyway. Lucky for you, you just killed the only zombie, and now no one else is going to become one. Consider yourself a hero.

Step 2: If you neglect to stop the problem at the base and a couple hundred zombies are created, get each zombie into a prison cell, or even easier, a room with a lock. Then leave them there. I don't think they are smart enough to unpick a lock, or even use their opposable thumb to turn the door knob

Step 3: If, in fact, you are one of the last  people in the entire world, then you have two options. First, hopefully one airplane pilot has survived, and together, you will fly to an uninhabited island. If that won't work, build a fort in the middle of nowhere made out of cement or metal.

Congratulations, you are still alive.

Of course, even after yelling all this at the TV, when the show was over I was still afraid of zombies for the rest of the night. Then, I took a pictures of lightning. And I felt cool about it.

Fact: Lightning kills more people each year than zombies


  1. Yeah it was called "Walking Dead".

    Lightning kills more people than zombies, because zombies know to stay inside during a lightning storm.